My in-laws’ customs are different from my family’s — whose should I follow?

traditionally the household’s kula-ācāra is followed at home, but with conversation and give-and-take — your own customs need not be erased.

Dharmaśāstra gives great weight to kula-ācāra and deśa-ācāra — family and regional custom — and says these are valid even when they differ from one another. That is why one home does Gaṇeśa pūjā on Caturthī with a clay idol and another does not; one keeps Karvā Cauth, the other Vaṭ Sāvitrī. Neither is wrong.

Traditionally the new bride learns her new home’s customs, and many find joy in it. But it should be a two-way relationship. A kind mother-in-law explains the reason behind a custom; a thoughtful daughter-in-law asks rather than assumes. It is perfectly fine to gently keep a cherished custom from your parents’ home too — your own family deity’s photo in the mandir, a festival dish, a vrata you love — and to share it with your new family.

Where a custom feels hard (strict sūtak rules, long fasts, restrictions), talk through your spouse, calmly. Most families adapt when they see sincerity and respect.

Kula-ācāra and deśa-ācāra are both valid · Source: Dharmaśāstra tradition

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